what i wish i could tell myself then.

I recently read a blog about what a girl had wished she'd known at 25. Well I'm not 25 (just yet), but there are a few things I wish I had known after having Lakai...

I remember the moment I found out I was pregnant and after the initial shock wore off, I was elated. I'd have clear skin, the perfect pregnant body, I'd only gain the recommended 35 pounds... F*&^ was I wrong. I was terrified to even begin thinking about what would happen after the baby. How was I going to survive? Even after two kids I'm still trying to embrace the below list. It's hard sometimes as a new parent to keep up with real life and the expectation you had before having children. Well here is what I wish I had known sooner...

1. After giving birth, you will still look five months pregnant for roughly five months post partum. THIS IS NORMAL. I remember giving birth to Lakai, looking down and thinking, "Why the hell do I still look pregnant?" Give your body time to heal itself. Not only is it a miracle making a baby, but the way a body heals itself after baby is an equal miracle.

2. Do not compare your experience to that of celebrities. There is an expectation that women in Tinsel Town need to look just as they did before having a baby. This has shifted towards all women. We think celebrities just "bounce back", but it's not true. They have trainers, planned/cooked meals, strict diets and some resort to surgery. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. It takes nine months to put it on and sometimes even longer to work it off. Don't be bothered by this. You are a sexy, full bodied woman who just performed one of the most difficult workouts of your life. Whether you are a size 2, 12, or 22, embrace how beautiful you are.

3. The house may need to be cleaned, the laundry may need folding, meals may need to be cooked... Shit, your house may be burning down (well you might want to react to this one), but nothing is more important than sitting with your sweet child in your arms and trying to burn every detail of their tiny body into your brain. Your children will only be this small in this exact moment. They are forever growing and changing. Unfortunately, no one has made a serum to stop them from getting any bigger, so cherish it. Any anyways, your husband will love having a reason to wear his Crossfit attire even more than he already does, right?

4. Make time to be alone. I mean all alone, without even your husband. You need this time to process and reboot. I have told my husband time and time again that I LOVE grocery shopping by myself. Not only is it ten times quicker than with kids, but it is also my time to be alone with my thoughts. Just think. Make time for just yourself. You need it, but even more, your kids need it. You will be a better momma for it.

5. Don't forget your girlfriends. We had children young, and many of our friends are still years off from even marriage. I used to think my friends and I are just at a different place in our lives, we have nothing in common. This may be true in some cases, but many of your friends are just as excited for you as you are for you. Let them in, don't shut them out. Plus, you need your young, single, non-parent friends there to remind you you can still shake it and throw em' back every once in a while.

6. It takes just as long to put on jeans and a tee as it does sweats. When my husband first said this to me I was pretty pissed. I should state, in the context of our conversation he was not trying to upset me, but what he was saying was completely true. The number one way to feel frumpy is living in yoga pants with spit-up on them.

7. Don't worry if you can't give your children everything and more than you had. This can be especially hard in the materialized society we live in today. When your children are young they will never remember how much money you made, but they will cherish the time you spent with them. Don't regret not spending enough time with your children just so they can have the newest clothing or technology. They won't remember that hipster tee anyways.

8. You aren't just a parent, you're a teacher. Yesterday, Lakai and I were driving to preschool. He kept sneezing and finally said, "I have blush-yous coming out my ass." Okay, I've NEVER said that, but it also made me realize that I really dislike him talking like that, and he learned foul language from us. Your children are part of you; not just your anatomy, but your character. You don't have to go to church or take etiquette classes to learn right from wrong or manners (although those things are great too). As parents, we lead by example... I should probably clean up the language in this post as well. Whoops.

9. It's okay to let them scream it out. Countless times I've been at the store with a crying child. Lleyton is a perpetual screamer (super high pitched, ear piercing scream). Don't leave the store. Continue on with what you are doing. Every time we go to Target Lakai asks for a toy, and typically I say, "not today buddy." Well, in the eyes of a four year old, this response will not suffice. He'll start crying and begging. Don't give in and don't leave the store. Lakai needs to know that this behavior will have no effect on me. He needs to learn how to express himself and at this time in his little life he doesn't understand why it makes him so upset. Even though it can be embarrassing, if other shoppers have had children they understand and won't judge.

(Quick disclaimer: you should only follow no. 9 if your children are having a laps in judgment. If they are tired or hungry, you should fulfill that basic need stat.)

10. Let your husband (or any support person you have) bond with your child and then thank them for it. I can't express how easy it is to completely lose yourself in your new bundle of love. If you're breastfeeding it is even worse. My husband would just standby while I nursed, changed diapers, cuddled, cleaned up fecal matter... And it wasn't by choice. I didn't let him. Dad gets the short end of the deal. Not only do mothers get to feel their child wiggling inside them (by far my favorite part of pregnancy), but our babies NEED us. In infancy, babies do not need fathers for their basic needs and it is easy for our significant others to feel lost. Let dad do as much as he can. Let him give baths, change diapers, cuddle your little to sleep. He needs to feel involved, and when he's done, remind him how much you love him and thank him. It will work wonders for your relationship.

And one BONUS tip... If your child has a blow-out up their back, change their diaper with them faced down. Try it, you'll thank me :)

I can think of plenty more things I wished I known sooner, but this was a good start.

dear lleyton.

My Sweet Little Llyeton,

I hate admitting this, but you just aren't so little anymore.

The past few weeks I have been telling everyone that I think you may be getting a little tooth. I've rubbed you cute little gums many times and I know I've felt that bump growing. But you never seemed like you were teething, and after weeks, a tooth hadn't appeared. I still was convinced it was coming though, and last night I saw it. That adorable little white gem, peeping out just beneath the last thin layer of gums.

You just aren't so little anymore. You don't know how much I'll miss your sweet, gummy smile. It isn't just your smile changing though... You climb. You climb on everything. You are walking around furniture. You make a squishy face that is to die for. You say "mama" and "dada" ("dada" much more). You observe the world in a way I've never seen. You truly take things in. You are sleeping in your own bed, and although I miss you tender little body next to mine at night, I know you need this sleep to grow even more.

It breaks my heart knowing you're my last little. As I felt your sweet kicks in my belly months ago I imagined holding you and watching you grow, and I just don't feel ready. If I could stop time for you and Lakai I would. Just so I could hold you in this moment a little longer and savor every ounce of your littleness, because you just aren't so little anymore.

Love you for always,
Momma

do i really have to share?

Lakai starts back to preschool next week and it is a little bittersweet. The past few months I've been able to relish in him...

7:30 am Lakai sneaks down the stairs, ninja style, like a snake (umm, yes these are two different things, I know). I hear a little giggle and go running to the bottom of the stairs to greet his sweet smile. He jumps into my arms and we sit, ever so still, for just a moment so I can breathe him in.

7:40 am We discuss what to make for breakfast. Correction, Lakai states he wants pancakes for breakfast. I try to sell him on something else. I make pancakes.

8:20 am Lakai and Chubby hop in the bath. Lakai fills a bath boat with water and pours it on Chubby's belly while saying, "mmmm, maple syrup." Clearly he loves pancakes. I suds the boys up, Lakai tried to convince me his hair does not need washing and I convince him that I can only do silly hair-dos with bubbles. It works. He is clean. Lakai will play in the bath until he appears to be a 90 year old man. We giggle about how wrinkly his hands and feet are.

9:10 am Lakai picks up a toy from his room, brings it into our room, plays with it for 37 seconds, sets it down on our floor and repeats at least 25 times. I fold laundry.

The next fews hours are filled with play dates, running errands, working, napping, and just about whatever else we can fit in. Oh, and sometimes this is when I attempt to get ready for the day.

3:00 pm Lakai throws a fit because he didn't want lunch, but now he wants a, "yittle treat." I say not until he eats something good that will help him be strong like daddy. He cries and says his belly isn't telling him he is hungry for something healthy. We repeat the conversation three times. At this point in the day I know he is tired.

3:15 pm I find a reason to get in the car and drive in hopes he will fall asleep. My attempt fails.

5:00 pm I call Ryan and ask when he is going to be home.

5:30 pm Ryan walks in the door and I lay on the floor of the living room exhausted.

6:30 pm We eat dinner. We try to convince our picky eater that veggies will turn him into a super hero. He is too smart and our attempt fails. We succeed in getting Lakai to eat his chicken.

7:00 pm Lakai starts to wind down and becomes cuddly. This is one of my favorite parts of the day. It makes the bumps in our day fade away.

Somewhere between 8:30 and, ummm later than I want to admit (we are on summer sleep schedule which has resulted in a horrible lack of an actual bedtime). Lakai snuggles with us in our bed. During the day Ryan and I say he will be moved to his room, but we just can't help it. We love his warm little body near us. He won't be "yittle" for long and I can't bare watching him get so big so fast.Chubby is on my right, snuggled into my chest and Lakai is on my left, breathing ever so softly onto my arm. Ry snuggles in and I feel full and ready to repeat the next day.

I'm going to miss him while he learns and grows, but I know this is what he needs and he will astonish us with his smarts. Last year he loved seeing his friends and telling me stories from the day. I can't wait for that to be added back into our schedule. I cherish that in this moment he loves talking to me and asking questions. I know that there will be a day when this isn't so. I know there will be a day when I ask him how school was and he will say, "good." and then I'll ask what he learned and he will say, "I can't remember." and a little piece of my heart will break. It will only be temporary I know, but right now I'm going to soak him all up. I'm going to savor this last week before I have to start sharing him again.

someday.

Recently I was transfered for work to a job site. This transfer offers me many opportunities for growth and knowledge gain. I'm actually pretty lucky that I'm receiving this opportunity. But there is one hang up...

This change at work has made me realize all the more how much I want to be home with Lakai and our soon to be new little munchkin. I should start from the beginning...

When I was younger and discussing future careers with friends and family, every job I was open to encompassed two general requirements:
1. I was helping others, in some way.
2. I was NOT sitting in an office.

Now, I have worked at the same company for eight years, not helping others and always in an office (lol, ironic). All my job experience has been wrapped up into one company. I actually feel very fortunate for that. Not many twenty three year olds can say they have that kind of tenure and I can. I have learned the ins and outs of various divisions and this job has allowed me to take care of my family. I truly have been blessed.

Once I had Kai though, all my energy, motivation and reason went into caring for my family. I love being able to wake up with him and make breakfast, even when I'm dead tired and just ten more minutes of sleep sounds like the greatest thing in the world. It breaks my mommy heart when Ryan tells me that Lakai asks where I am as soon as he wakes and I've already left for work. I enjoy running after him and playing "make believe". Lakai brings simplicity, youthfulness and pure joy to our home. I love giving him his bath at night, reading him stories, and even trying to convince him that HIS bed is the most comfy bed in the house. I will state now that it isn't always this way. There are mornings when I beg Ryan to get up (these have been minimal since Kai left our bed), afternoons where I could fall asleep standing, days where my patience runs thin and nights where I skip a couple pages in the books we read so I can cuddle him up faster with the lights off. I'm not a perfect parent, but I know that my heart feels infinately full when I'm taking care of my family.

This new position at work has been hard to transition into. I wake early, and I mean 4:30 am early, so I can get off early enough to see Ryan before he goes to work. I don't get to see him at all from Monday afternoon to Wednesday afternoon because our work schedules don't allow it. That has been hard. Waking up so early also presents new challenges in trying to keep up with Lakai, the house work and all that comes with running a home. When I'm at work, I think about going home to my family and I can only imagine that will worsen once I have two sets of buns that need pinching from momma. There are days when I look at our home and the messes that fill it and feel like I'm failing as a mother and future wife, and I loath that feeling.

Ryan has been staying home with Lakai during the day, and when I get sent pictures like this, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't superbly jealous! I can hardly resist those big browns!

I feel blessed by my job and that I could allow it to flourish into a career, but I feel more blessed by those heart melting souls that call me "mommy" and "tender". I'm praying with all my being that God will bless our family so that I may care for them in the way I've always wanted to once baby no. 2 arrives.

Ryan and I have work to do. We need to budget and plan and discuss the nitty gritty, but I truly believe that as each day goes by I'm made to be a mother and care for my children. It will happen, maybe not tomorrow or in months or years, but I have faith it will and I'll use that to keep me going.