someday.

Recently I was transfered for work to a job site. This transfer offers me many opportunities for growth and knowledge gain. I'm actually pretty lucky that I'm receiving this opportunity. But there is one hang up...

This change at work has made me realize all the more how much I want to be home with Lakai and our soon to be new little munchkin. I should start from the beginning...

When I was younger and discussing future careers with friends and family, every job I was open to encompassed two general requirements:
1. I was helping others, in some way.
2. I was NOT sitting in an office.

Now, I have worked at the same company for eight years, not helping others and always in an office (lol, ironic). All my job experience has been wrapped up into one company. I actually feel very fortunate for that. Not many twenty three year olds can say they have that kind of tenure and I can. I have learned the ins and outs of various divisions and this job has allowed me to take care of my family. I truly have been blessed.

Once I had Kai though, all my energy, motivation and reason went into caring for my family. I love being able to wake up with him and make breakfast, even when I'm dead tired and just ten more minutes of sleep sounds like the greatest thing in the world. It breaks my mommy heart when Ryan tells me that Lakai asks where I am as soon as he wakes and I've already left for work. I enjoy running after him and playing "make believe". Lakai brings simplicity, youthfulness and pure joy to our home. I love giving him his bath at night, reading him stories, and even trying to convince him that HIS bed is the most comfy bed in the house. I will state now that it isn't always this way. There are mornings when I beg Ryan to get up (these have been minimal since Kai left our bed), afternoons where I could fall asleep standing, days where my patience runs thin and nights where I skip a couple pages in the books we read so I can cuddle him up faster with the lights off. I'm not a perfect parent, but I know that my heart feels infinately full when I'm taking care of my family.

This new position at work has been hard to transition into. I wake early, and I mean 4:30 am early, so I can get off early enough to see Ryan before he goes to work. I don't get to see him at all from Monday afternoon to Wednesday afternoon because our work schedules don't allow it. That has been hard. Waking up so early also presents new challenges in trying to keep up with Lakai, the house work and all that comes with running a home. When I'm at work, I think about going home to my family and I can only imagine that will worsen once I have two sets of buns that need pinching from momma. There are days when I look at our home and the messes that fill it and feel like I'm failing as a mother and future wife, and I loath that feeling.

Ryan has been staying home with Lakai during the day, and when I get sent pictures like this, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't superbly jealous! I can hardly resist those big browns!

I feel blessed by my job and that I could allow it to flourish into a career, but I feel more blessed by those heart melting souls that call me "mommy" and "tender". I'm praying with all my being that God will bless our family so that I may care for them in the way I've always wanted to once baby no. 2 arrives.

Ryan and I have work to do. We need to budget and plan and discuss the nitty gritty, but I truly believe that as each day goes by I'm made to be a mother and care for my children. It will happen, maybe not tomorrow or in months or years, but I have faith it will and I'll use that to keep me going.