and so it begins... Lakai is a kindergartener.

This morning Lleyton woke up extra early, sobbing in his crib. As I went to grab him, I saw Lakai strolling out of his room with groggy eyes. He came right over with a smile on his face and said, "It's okay buddy," and gave him a little smooch. Then we all went and cuddled up daddy in bed. If that wasn't Heaven on Earth then I don't know what is.

Fast forward a couple hours and Lakai is sitting at the table, shoveling pancakes in his mouth to make sure he doesn't miss the bus (which doesn't happen to leave for another 45 minutes). He woke up with so much enthusiasm. I woke up dreading this day.

Lakai is in Kindergarten. Is this real life. How did this happen so quickly? It was just yesterday that I was trying to soak up every once of his swollen, fresh little face at the hospital. I felt so ready for him to go, up until early this morning. I feel like this is the first step towards independence and I just don't feel ready for it. I know he will be okay. I know he will have friends aplenty. I know he will run into my arms and tell me all about his day. I know he will thirst to learn and go to school with an eager heart.

But I also know kids can sometimes be cruel and he will have a hurt heart. I know the bubble we have him in will slowly shrink and he will be exposed to some of the negativity in the world. I know school may not come easy and learning may be hard. I'm just praying that God will guide Ryan and I as we embark on this new adventure.

Lakai,

Please never forget how smart and kind you are. Keep a hunger for knowledge and embrace everyone around you. Remember we are always thinking of you when you are scared and that we will always be waiting for you with open arms, ready to hear all about your daily adventure. Above all, never forget how loved you are and how much support you have in daddy and me. We love you all around the earth, up to the sky, as many trees as there are planted and as many super heroes as you can imagine.

Momma

what i wish i could tell myself then.

I recently read a blog about what a girl had wished she'd known at 25. Well I'm not 25 (just yet), but there are a few things I wish I had known after having Lakai...

I remember the moment I found out I was pregnant and after the initial shock wore off, I was elated. I'd have clear skin, the perfect pregnant body, I'd only gain the recommended 35 pounds... F*&^ was I wrong. I was terrified to even begin thinking about what would happen after the baby. How was I going to survive? Even after two kids I'm still trying to embrace the below list. It's hard sometimes as a new parent to keep up with real life and the expectation you had before having children. Well here is what I wish I had known sooner...

1. After giving birth, you will still look five months pregnant for roughly five months post partum. THIS IS NORMAL. I remember giving birth to Lakai, looking down and thinking, "Why the hell do I still look pregnant?" Give your body time to heal itself. Not only is it a miracle making a baby, but the way a body heals itself after baby is an equal miracle.

2. Do not compare your experience to that of celebrities. There is an expectation that women in Tinsel Town need to look just as they did before having a baby. This has shifted towards all women. We think celebrities just "bounce back", but it's not true. They have trainers, planned/cooked meals, strict diets and some resort to surgery. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. It takes nine months to put it on and sometimes even longer to work it off. Don't be bothered by this. You are a sexy, full bodied woman who just performed one of the most difficult workouts of your life. Whether you are a size 2, 12, or 22, embrace how beautiful you are.

3. The house may need to be cleaned, the laundry may need folding, meals may need to be cooked... Shit, your house may be burning down (well you might want to react to this one), but nothing is more important than sitting with your sweet child in your arms and trying to burn every detail of their tiny body into your brain. Your children will only be this small in this exact moment. They are forever growing and changing. Unfortunately, no one has made a serum to stop them from getting any bigger, so cherish it. Any anyways, your husband will love having a reason to wear his Crossfit attire even more than he already does, right?

4. Make time to be alone. I mean all alone, without even your husband. You need this time to process and reboot. I have told my husband time and time again that I LOVE grocery shopping by myself. Not only is it ten times quicker than with kids, but it is also my time to be alone with my thoughts. Just think. Make time for just yourself. You need it, but even more, your kids need it. You will be a better momma for it.

5. Don't forget your girlfriends. We had children young, and many of our friends are still years off from even marriage. I used to think my friends and I are just at a different place in our lives, we have nothing in common. This may be true in some cases, but many of your friends are just as excited for you as you are for you. Let them in, don't shut them out. Plus, you need your young, single, non-parent friends there to remind you you can still shake it and throw em' back every once in a while.

6. It takes just as long to put on jeans and a tee as it does sweats. When my husband first said this to me I was pretty pissed. I should state, in the context of our conversation he was not trying to upset me, but what he was saying was completely true. The number one way to feel frumpy is living in yoga pants with spit-up on them.

7. Don't worry if you can't give your children everything and more than you had. This can be especially hard in the materialized society we live in today. When your children are young they will never remember how much money you made, but they will cherish the time you spent with them. Don't regret not spending enough time with your children just so they can have the newest clothing or technology. They won't remember that hipster tee anyways.

8. You aren't just a parent, you're a teacher. Yesterday, Lakai and I were driving to preschool. He kept sneezing and finally said, "I have blush-yous coming out my ass." Okay, I've NEVER said that, but it also made me realize that I really dislike him talking like that, and he learned foul language from us. Your children are part of you; not just your anatomy, but your character. You don't have to go to church or take etiquette classes to learn right from wrong or manners (although those things are great too). As parents, we lead by example... I should probably clean up the language in this post as well. Whoops.

9. It's okay to let them scream it out. Countless times I've been at the store with a crying child. Lleyton is a perpetual screamer (super high pitched, ear piercing scream). Don't leave the store. Continue on with what you are doing. Every time we go to Target Lakai asks for a toy, and typically I say, "not today buddy." Well, in the eyes of a four year old, this response will not suffice. He'll start crying and begging. Don't give in and don't leave the store. Lakai needs to know that this behavior will have no effect on me. He needs to learn how to express himself and at this time in his little life he doesn't understand why it makes him so upset. Even though it can be embarrassing, if other shoppers have had children they understand and won't judge.

(Quick disclaimer: you should only follow no. 9 if your children are having a laps in judgment. If they are tired or hungry, you should fulfill that basic need stat.)

10. Let your husband (or any support person you have) bond with your child and then thank them for it. I can't express how easy it is to completely lose yourself in your new bundle of love. If you're breastfeeding it is even worse. My husband would just standby while I nursed, changed diapers, cuddled, cleaned up fecal matter... And it wasn't by choice. I didn't let him. Dad gets the short end of the deal. Not only do mothers get to feel their child wiggling inside them (by far my favorite part of pregnancy), but our babies NEED us. In infancy, babies do not need fathers for their basic needs and it is easy for our significant others to feel lost. Let dad do as much as he can. Let him give baths, change diapers, cuddle your little to sleep. He needs to feel involved, and when he's done, remind him how much you love him and thank him. It will work wonders for your relationship.

And one BONUS tip... If your child has a blow-out up their back, change their diaper with them faced down. Try it, you'll thank me :)

I can think of plenty more things I wished I known sooner, but this was a good start.

dear lleyton.

My Sweet Little Llyeton,

I hate admitting this, but you just aren't so little anymore.

The past few weeks I have been telling everyone that I think you may be getting a little tooth. I've rubbed you cute little gums many times and I know I've felt that bump growing. But you never seemed like you were teething, and after weeks, a tooth hadn't appeared. I still was convinced it was coming though, and last night I saw it. That adorable little white gem, peeping out just beneath the last thin layer of gums.

You just aren't so little anymore. You don't know how much I'll miss your sweet, gummy smile. It isn't just your smile changing though... You climb. You climb on everything. You are walking around furniture. You make a squishy face that is to die for. You say "mama" and "dada" ("dada" much more). You observe the world in a way I've never seen. You truly take things in. You are sleeping in your own bed, and although I miss you tender little body next to mine at night, I know you need this sleep to grow even more.

It breaks my heart knowing you're my last little. As I felt your sweet kicks in my belly months ago I imagined holding you and watching you grow, and I just don't feel ready. If I could stop time for you and Lakai I would. Just so I could hold you in this moment a little longer and savor every ounce of your littleness, because you just aren't so little anymore.

Love you for always,
Momma

family outing.

 Two weekends ago, our family had the privilege of going up to our friend Ty's cabin. I was a little hesitant at first because it was very last minute and I'm a planner, but the boys had an amazing time and it was fun watching these two "peas in a pod" gallivant.

I had to throw in this last picture because those buns are just too cute!

b is for boys.

How blessed am I? Words cannot express the gratitude I feel for the boys in my life...

Today I was reminded just how lucky I'm for the these boys. Last night Lakai made a side comment that he wanted to come to work with me. I smiled and told him he'd have to wake up super early to come with momma; then the day went on as normal. Well, little man crawled into bed with us last night and this morning, around 5:00 am Lakai started to stir. Soon his little peepers opened and I knew this could be bad for a very sleepy daddy. I snuggled Kai up and we cuddled for some time before I knew I just couldn't put off getting up any longer. Kai said no words, but gave me the sweetest kiss and then rolled over. I assumed he was going  back to sleep, so I got up and made my way to the bathroom, closed the door ever so quietly and got myself going for the day. It wasn't more than fifteen minutes before I heard the door open behind me. I looked in the mirror and saw only my reflection. This meant one thing... little man was awake. I turned around and scooped his tiny frame up. We breathed each other in for a few more minutes, then made our way down stair so I could get him some breakfast and daddy could keep sleeping. As I was about to go back to getting ready I heard the sweetest, raspy morning voice say, "Mommy, remember yesterday you said if I got up early I could go to work?" I should have known. Lakai's big sleep eyes gazed at me for an answer. I just sat there with a half quirked smile, truly amazed by him. He looked so innocent in that moment... well he is, but it was that innocence that reminds me that he looks to Ryan and I. That this little boy is growing and although he sometimes tests my patience, he brings innocence to our lives and makes us all the better. In a world full of negativity and temptation, our three year old has brought us love, sanity, perspective and a home of pure oasis. He truly has been my salvation when daily distractions tempt to derail me. I'm so lucky.

But there are numerous reasons these boys bless my life:

1. Ryan helps me... A LOT. Not just as my companion, but he helps our family get through the day. He's my rock.
2. Lakai renews my soul with his imagination. Although stuffy, laying under blankets playing "car" has become a regular activity that brings us lots of giggles.
3. Ryan brings adventure to my life and pushes me in ways I don't push myself.
4. Lakai has taught me all about "boy stuff", yet just the other day he said, "Mommy your dress is beautiful." and he reminds me that mommas help boys see the beauty in the world.
5. Ryan listens to crazy music. I often have to be in the mood to enjoy it, but I know if I ever need a good song to move to, I can come to him. His eclectic taste in music has also allowed me to broaden my horizons. When commercials come on my favorite county station, I can sometimes be found listening to JAZZ... What has gotten into me?
6. Lakai's curiosity teaches me something new daily. I also have become quite the story teller thanks to the question, "why?"
7. Ryan isn't the most romantic man to have ever walked this earth, but he pet named me "Tender" and it just about melts my heart every time he says it. It never gets old.
8. Lakai's excitement for EVERYTHING reminds me to not take the little things for granted. Our family is truly blessed by all we have and sometimes, in a busy world, it is easily forgotten. Lakai gets excited when he sees a snail and he has love for just about every creature and material object known to man. He brings meaning to those things I typically forget about.
9. I have seen quotes and stories before, but Ryan told me that the best way he can be a father is to love his children's mother and I feel truly blessed by this sentiment because I know I'm loved by Ryan. Even when life gets crazy and we don't see each other as much as I like, I know this man is a good man, great father and will be a fantastic husband. He loves us and that's one of the greatest blessing he could give me.

10. Soon we will have another little man in our lives. That is a blessing in itself. I always thought it was inevitable that I'd live in a house full of boys and now that it is finally happening, I'm not sure I'd have it any other way. The two men in my life have given me so much to live for and my life so much meaning that I can only imagine what it will be like with three rascals!

Welcome to the family baby boy! We can't wait to meet you and see how just like your brother, you will change and bless our lives :)

seven down... one to go.

Ryan and I have dated for over seven years (okay, maybe not consistently, but let's not be too critical here). We have experienced so much, so when he asked me to marry him and we discussed wedding dates, we thought, "Hey, what's one more year?" The wedding will be August 2013 and I couldn't be more excited. Thus far, venue shopping hasn't been quite as easy as I assumed it to be, but I know our day will be amazing because we will have two little munchkins, our family and our friends there by our sides.

Thankfully, photographer shopping was much easier. We were recommended Aimee by a sweet friend. Aimee just so happened to be photographing their wedding also (and it was beautiful).

A couple weeks ago Ry, Kai and I met with Aimee for family and engagement pictures. I was a little worried because the weather wasn't so amazing, Kai is going through a "silly, can't take one serious picture" stage, and I (this is going to sound vain, I know) didn't want to look chubby due to my preggoness. With the exception of my hair that wanted to curl in the humidity, we were fortunate. Kai was amazing. He loved being in the pictures with Ryan and I, in fact we couldn't get him out of the pictures so we could get some shots alone. Aimee was incredible and so patient and kind with Lakai. She would make silly faces at him and ask him to "come find her eye in the lens," so that he would step away from mommy and daddy for 6.78 seconds so she could snap a shot.

What I loved most about Aimee is that she truly captured our personalities, especially Lakai's. She captured his goofy smiles, his wonder for the world and, my favorite, his tender, loving spirit. I melted when I saw the preview. I'm so glad we get to work with her. Aimee will hopefully be coming with us to the hospital to capture the delivery of our sweet bundle of joy come winter! :)

If you are in the Vancouver/Portland area, I highly recommend her. Aimee is more that accommodating and so, so wonderful. Did I mention how much we loved her? Click here to visit her site and see all her amazing work!

defining family.

Recently, I have been put in a position of having to define what family truly is and what kind of mother I will choose to be.

I'm a single mom. Just because I'm a single parent, does not mean that my family is any less complete than some one else's. I have struggled with this. It has taken me a little over two years to fully embrace this wonderful, fun, adventurous life God has granted me. I have now gained a sense of privilege. Not only do I get to be a mother, which has been the biggest blessing of my life, but I get to be a provider, a protector, an encourager, and a guider.

I have been blessed by Lakai. But our family does not stop there. I have the most glorious parents a woman could have. My siblings bring laugher to my parent's home. Our family has extended to friends, who have relentlessly  supported Lakai and me. Whenever we are blessed with the opportunity to visit our family from far away, it is like there is no distance between us. Life picks right back up where we left it months before with laughter and joy and pure bliss. Lakai has found the most amazing friend in our cousin, Styker. I pray that they will be able to grow up together, and their innocent friendship continues in the years to come. We are blessed.

Recently my grandma sent me the most thoughtful and meaningful letter in the mail. Attached to her card was a handout from the Vanessa Behan Crisis Nursery. If you are not familiar with this amazing organization I encourage you to get to know them. I hold this wonderful refuge and safe home for children close to my heart, and was involved in fund raising when I was younger. I'm not sure my grandma even knew this, but the handout she sent spoke to me.

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about." 

-Angela Schwindt

These words were beautifully quote on the sheet of paper. As I reflected on those words, I realized that Lakai has truly made my life complete. He makes life worth living. His tender spirit fills our home with laughter and innocence. He is absolutely, without a doubt, the light of my life. He makes me strive to be a better mother, daughter and friend. Lakai completes my family. I'm grateful every day that God trusted me to be his mother.